TW: thoughts of suicide and rape
My life changed a couple of months ago; panic attacks, breakdowns with thoughts of rape, my sexual orientation and suicide spun around my head. Something was not right. Torment was not the right word; hell was at the front and centre of my mind.
My world changed in a drastic way. At 27 years old, I was diagnosed with 'Pure O' OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) which refers to distressing internal intrusive thoughts alongside invisible mental compulsions. These thoughts are against the individual's nature, morals and values, hence why they are so distressing and heart-breaking. Pure O, unlike other forms of OCD, remains relatively unknown.
According to the charity OCD UK, 'Pure O' isn't a medically listed term and is not generally considered a separate form of OCD.
"Like any person suffering from OCD, a person with 'Pure O' will have compulsions," the website explains.
"Some will manifest as unseen mental rituals, but importantly, there will nearly always be physical outward compulsions too, making the term 'Pure O' imprecise."
Examples of internal compulsions include repeating phrases or numbers in your head, or checking how you feel - for example, you might check to see if you are still in love with your partner.
For myself, it all began a couple of months ago when I saw an image of myself jumping off a bridge. I rushed home believing I was going to take my life. Before this, I had obsessive thoughts that I was gay and a rapist. I was seeking constant evidence to prove I was gay and a rapist - even when no evidence appeared, these thoughts were popping in and out of my head.
Each thought continued to distress me internally. I believed it was because of porn that I was having gay and rape thoughts so, in turn, I self-diagnosed myself as a porn addict. I knew my thoughts were irrational and illogical, but there was a part of me that pondered upon these possibilities. Like a hamster on a wheel, I ran the script continuously. As a result of having suicidal thoughts on that very day, I cried and said goodbye to my friends.
Leaving my house felt like a drag, as I became afraid of being outdoors in case those thoughts came into my head. To lock myself away from the world felt like the most sensible option.
A couple of days later, I woke up with a flood of thoughts that I was unable to handle. My anxiety skyrocketed. I stumbled upon my now therapist Emma Garrick via Instagram. In hysterical tears, I asked "Why can't I get these thoughts out of my head, what is wrong with me? Am I going to be gay? Rape someone? Am I suicidal?"
Emma took her time and informed me that it was OCD I was suffering from. Living felt incredibly hard, and depression reared its head, yet I held tightly onto each and every therapy session.
She has been a kindred spirit to me, providing me with hope in a time when I had given up. She refused to give up on me. I had the resounding belief I was a bad person but having a therapist who understood me and wanted me to get better has reminded me of my own intrinsic value. Without Emma, I would not be able to write this article; with her support, I vowed to raise awareness of OCD.
As a model and an influencer, I aim to have the right influence on the world. Life has afforded me great opportunities through my two TEDx Talks, TEDx 2022 & TEDx 2018. I now aim to deliver a third TEDx talk on OCD.
OCD is often used as an adjective when it is far from the case, usually referring to someone being very organised, scrupulous and particular. Many mainstream articles have also pushed this rhetoric further, reinforcing a problematic narrative around OCD. Some examples can be found here: 33 Meticulous Cleaning Tricks For The OCD Person Inside You & 5 Types Of OCD Friends You Know And Love
It can and is often for many all-consuming. "OCD is ranked by the World Health Organisation in the top 10 of the most disabling illnesses by lost income and decreased quality of life" and according to charity OCD UK, "Around three-quarters of a million people are thought to be living with severe, life-impacting and debilitating Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) here in the UK."
Adding salt to the proverbial wound, in 2021, then chancellor Rishi Sunak, when interviewed by the Daily Mail, was asked whether he helps out with the household chores. He laughed and said: "...I have a very OCD approach to dishwashers…"
His comments sparked correct and justified outrage to those who have lived and continue to live with OCD, and the families who have seen the torment OCD can cause. Sunak’s comments demonstrated a profound ignorance.
There remains a lot of work to be done to raise the profile of OCD to prevent casual lazy stereotypes of mental illnesses that have taken people's lives and hurt their families.
Some noted individuals also living with OCD include musician George Ezra who opened up about living with 'Pure O' and actress, presenter and poet Georgia Locke. OCD is more common than we realise and by speaking up about it, we encourage dialogue to let people know they are not crazy. We are not alone, and you can recover from OCD.
I wrote this piece to help encourage more conversation and to alert people to the nature of OCD. Charities such as OCD UK and OCD Action support those with OCD and provide resources. Orchard OCD is another charity hoping to develop further treatments for those with OCD.
In a bitter-sweet way, OCD has reinforced who I am, who I want to be and who I will be. Before OCD, I was unsure of my life's purpose, drive and direction; now I have found meaning through my suffering. My direction and purpose have shifted and been reinforced to help others is my pursuit. Thoughts are not facts; we cannot believe everything our mind tells us.
Thank you to Kindred Magazine for giving me the platform to tell my truth. I believe it is so important to tell my story, so others know they are not alone. I am not my OCD.
In the spirit of kindness, please check out my podcast 'Flower Hour'where I facilitate others telling their stories and speak to different individuals in an attempt to bridge societal gaps, working towards a society that is more inclusive.