Two minutes can drag and seem like the longest time when you’re doing something you don’t enjoy but definitely not when it comes to your pleasure. Unless you’ve put off private self-pleasure sessions for some time, there’s probably no chance you will be seeing the stars while entering another dimension after two minutes of huffing and puffing and some less than mediocre penetration from a guy you’ve met 24 hours ago.
Let me take you back to the night before the Kindred. Christmas party…
I picked up an extra shift at work and worked on Saturday instead of my regular Monday to Friday pattern. I never saw slaving away behind the bar as an opportunity to pick up potential dates and honestly hated being flirted with while I was trying to pour a dozen pints of Guinness and some mediocre lager for a group of lads hitting the town… Compliments from men who had way too much to drink and barely remembered their names were just not doing it for me.
But that day, I was bought quite a few drinks during the shift as I guess, people were feeling quite generous with the holidays approaching. So I thought why not, let’s have a fun Saturday night. And did it turn out to be an interesting night.
After a few too many G&Ts and tequilas I ended up meeting not one, but two boys, that I found quite attractive. One of them actually was, let’s call him Sam, and the other one, let’s call him Jake, gained some points for the looks thanks to my overconsumption of alcohol.
Jake and I spent quite some time chatting in the smoking area about God knows what, with my friends closely watching me from the pub making sure I don’t do anything stupid.
On the other hand, Sam and I have been eyeing up each other for hours until we started talking, again in the smoking area, when Jake disappeared. He was at his company’s Christmas party and if I had a type, it would be him (read: massive d*ckhead). I’ve said a hundred times over how much I dislike one-night stands, but the liquid courage mixed with the festivity in the air all around us, I decided right away, that I’m leaving with this guy.
And I nearly did. That was until he turned around when we were about to leave, looked me dead in the eyes and said: "Listen, I had too much to drink and won’t be able to get it up. Why don’t you take my friend instead?|"| while pointing at his friend standing few metres away from us.
I don’t think I’ve ever got sober as quick or been as speechless as I was at that moment. The audacity of this boy to assume that I’m some cheap wh*re to just take anyone to get laid, made me turn around and leave him on the spot without saying a word.
But what about Jake?
By the time I was done with Sam, Jake has left, and I was quite disappointed. However, luck was on my side that night and his friend stopped me to tell me that Jake had to leave, but he’d like to see me again and asked for my number.
I happily gave his friend my number and by the time I got my drunk ass back home, Jake has already texted me.
Fast-forward to the next day, the day of the Kindred. Christmas party, Jake’s messaging me around 10pm to see if I want to meet up. Thinking about this now, I probably should’ve realised that if someone’s messaging you this late at night that they want to see you, it’s not to talk.
Encouraged by plenty of JD and Coke, I agreed and when I got to the station at around 1am, Jake was already there waiting for me.
This is going to sound really stupid and shallow, but I think I should’ve walked away when he turned up in a tiny smart car. If anything gives me an ick, it’s these cars, which is also the reason I invited him over to mine.
In all honesty, when I saw the boy with almost sober eyes, I realised what my friends meant when they said he wasn’t good-looking. He wasn’t ugly, but he just wasn’t it and the attraction I felt the night before wasn’t there anymore.
In my whole entire life, I don’t think I ever felt as awkward in my own bedroom as I did with Jake. We sat on my bed and our conversation felt like I’m being interrogated under the cover of him “trying to get to know me”.
Some time went by, and we started to be more comfortable and eventually started kissing. That was as far as I wanted to go. But one thing led to another and after a very long time of kissing dear Jake was suddenly on top of me, trousers and underwear down.
Jake, who was a few years younger than me, told me when we were talking earlier that he’s dated older women, making it seem like he’s had plenty of experience. Now, I know things can happen, and it says nothing about your actual skills, but oh my God.
Funnily enough, this wasn’t the worst sex I’ve ever had, but when I finally felt Jake inside me, I was expecting… Well, something else.
There wasn’t anything wrong with “little Jake”, although I didn’t even take a proper look, what wasn’t doing it for me were the facial expressions as if he was running a marathon which was also his pace.
You know I spoke about women’s pleasure before and that definitely wasn’t on his mind, because after two minutes of some questionable moves, Jake pulled out and released whatever was in him right on my stomach.
I was laying in the bed, looking at the ceiling, thinking whether he was going to do anything about me, but he just laid down next to me and when I looked at his face, I could see he was petrified. I understood why, however, I really tried to be nice about it because these things happen. But I guess his ego couldn’t handle it and while I was cleaning myself off, he was getting dressed without saying a word.
At this point, it was around 4am and realising I have to wake up for work at six, I told him I should get some sleep. We went downstairs, both quiet and when I opened the door he kissed me and with the words “I’ll text you”, he left.
See, after this experience that still haunts me to this day, I was ghosted by Jake. I tried to make the first move and message him to show him it was fine, and I’m not upset, but I never heard from him or saw him again. And considering how frustrated I was left after that night, I can only tell myself that I should’ve been the one ghosting him, not the other way around.